1: You will never have a warm cup of tea again. At least not for the first six weeks. You’ll sit down with your nice hot cuppa, and your baby is guaranteed to wake up, want to go to sleep, cry, scream, or need a nappy change.
2: You will sway, even when you’re not holding your baby. I found myself swaying from side to side while sitting on the sofa or even in the shower. It becomes automatic.
3: When your baby cries for the first time, I mean really cries, as in actual little tears falling from her tiny eyes, you will probably cry with her because it hurts your heart.
4: That you will see every awful thing that is going on in the world and relate it to your baby, and think ‘this could be us’ treasure that it isn’t.
5: You won’t have a bath for longer than three minutes.
6: That you and your partner won’t one another for what feels like months. Passing ships in the night, eating dinner separately. It gets easier.
7: How nostalgic and overwhelmed you will feel when you have to pack away your babies new born clothes because she’s too big for them.
8: Everyone tells you how ‘well you look’ which loosely translates as ‘you look like shit’.
9: Your social life may become busier than ever before with new friends, other new mummies which is great. It gets hard to see your other friends, because they work full time. Those that ever bothered about you will make every effort to see you. Those that don’t make an effort, you will quickly forget about.
10: You will quickly forget that you had a life prior to becoming a mum. Everything has changed now. You will never again out yourself first.
11: That you think you will be mortified by projectile vomiting and poo expositions. Believe me, you will adapt very quickly and won’t even mind giving your baby a kiss and a cuddle, even if her beautiful face is covered in puke.
12: All mums are competitive ‘has your baby rolled yet? Are they sitting yet?’ It’s nice to be able to tell all of your other mummy friends how your baby is developing, but make it clear all babies move at their own pace, and they’ll all develop when they’re ready. No one likes a show off.
13: That you will worry about EVERYTHING. Was that a cough, a sneeze? Is my baby too hot?! GOOGLE! We’ve quickly learnt that 9/10 times Google is not the best option.
14: Things that wouldn’t have bothered you before, now do. There is a special place in hell for people that park in parent and child spaces when there is no child present.
15: You say that you will not be one of those parents that post a thousand pictures of your baby in the same position ‘baby pose’ oops. Too late, you already are.
16: You’ll beam with pride each time your baby puts on a pound.
17: You say you’ll never be a mum that makes stupid baby noises when talking to your child. You’re a liar.
18: The first few weeks really are horrendous for most people, but seriously, they become a distant memory by 12 weeks. You’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.
19: You’ll quite happily go to the supermarket with a sick stained top on.
20: You will love your baby so much that you feel like your heart will explode every time you look at her.
21: Nothing can compare to snuggling up on the sofa with your baby and partner. You will cherish every moment with your family as though it’s your last.