I’ve been super busy, starting a new job, getting into a new routine, so once again, my blogging has been a little slack. However, I will be popping a post up soon. In the meantime, I’ve got a guest blogger today, with her first entry…
‘Since having my beautiful baby 10, almost 11 months ago, I have given him my everything as you would expect. My time, mind, boobs, sleep… but I can’t remember the last time I did something truly for myself… Time off from my new life as a mum.
I love my baby more than I could ever have imagined and I admit, it is hard to get out of mummy mode sometimes. Not only did I breastfeed my son, day and night, every two hours for the first few months of his life, I still spend countless nights in a depressed blur from the agony of exhaustion as he screams for me to comfort him. I now cosleep from about midnight each night as it’s the only way I can catch a few hours kip. As much as I love cuddling him, the kicks in the bladder, jabs in the face and sleeping on the edge are starting to kill me slowly. I also started working again when he was 3 months old. Luckily I run my own small business and can pick and choose my hours, but it also means an extra pressure, and extra evenings and weekends I don’t get to myself.
It’s nice to have people help out from time to time so I can catch up on cleaning the house and running errands…but sometimes I wonder whether I’m running myself into the ground. And yet, even though I have the opportunity to have some me time, I just, can’t take it. I feel like I’d almost be a ‘rubbish’ mum if I can’t juggle all these things and ‘need’ time off. As I’m writing this I know how ridiculous this sounds and if I was reading this blog from another mum, I’d be feeling sad for them that they couldn’t allow themselves to be themselves. I’m well aware that I should take the opportunity to catch some zzz’s or have a bath, but somehow, the need to cover my tracks of a chaotic and difficult day are more important. ‘Quick Hoover the cheerios up; wash down the kitchen floor AGAIN from smeared cheese spread sarnies; roll up the 7 toilet rolls that he’s unravelled in the bathroom; pick up the countless dirty nappies that are thrown next to the bin/front door…’ The list goes on!
And as he gets ever more demanding, and the nights even more sleepless, I wonder how long before I crack. I sometimes have days of feeling completely numb, longing for the night so I can ‘sleep’ (or teeter in the edge of our bed with a numb arm). Those days, I then feel riddled with guilt that I didn’t stimulate my baby, have I played with him enough? Is he bored? Is this why he isn’t doing x,y and z yet?
I feel responsible for this little tiny life, and that’s hard in it’s self, let alone when you are severely sleep depreived. Then comes the worry. My god do us mums worry, about everything. It must be programmed into our genetics!
There are times I look back and miss that newborn stage, the feed, sleep, poop repeat routine. And back then, it was nice to have people ask ‘how are YOU doing?’ I feel like I need the support more now than ever.
But luckily he’s so special, he melts my heart and I’d do anything for him. As I look at him now, through blurred eyes, I realise he is part of me, a new part of me and has made me a better person inside. I never knew I could love someone so much.
Being a mum is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. From tears to smiles in a flash, as he looks at me with his big blue eyes as if to tell me ‘you’re doing ok mama’.’